“The Big Secret of Dealing with People”

Principle 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation.

The only way to get anybody to do anything is to make the person want to do it. (There is by force, but that usually comes with negative repercussions).

The only way to get anybody to do anything is to give them what they want.

The author talks about Freud and John Dewey saying that he reason people do what they do is for the desire to be great and/or the desire to be important.

He quotes Lincoln with, “Everybody likes a compliment,” and William James, “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”

How does this connect with the business world? My takeaway is, if you’re in a leadership position, or just don’t want to be a jerk of a coworker, showing appreciation to your colleagues just might give them more incentive to work well. (Remember, the secret of dealing with people).

Whether you admit it or not, most people like to be appreciated. To be wanted. To feel important. And there isn’t necessarily anything wrong with that. Like the author mentions in the first chapter, humans are creatures of emotion, pride and vanity.

He then gives examples of how people like to show off awards, ribbons, recognitions, framing your college degree and placing it in your living room – they all give the feeling of importance and of accomplishment.

It’s this desire that inspired people like Charles Dickens, Amelia Earhart, Marie Curie, and many other famous people throughout history.

The desire to be liked, appreciated, etc., blends into why people want to wear the latest styles, have the nicest cars, even join gangs/commit crimes. For recognition.

Recognition blends into how people get their feeling of importance. Whether that’s anonymously donating to a cause, having a specific title of importance, or having things named after you. Some people can be so hungry for this importance/attention, they can go mad in the process and become obsessed.

Charles Schwab was the 1st person to be paid $1 million/year in salary because of his ability to deal with people. He was quoted, “There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticism from superiors…I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.”

Some quick thoughts:

• Average people bawl out their subordinates
• “There is nothing I need so much as nourishment for my self-esteem.” –
• We nourish the bodies of our children, friends, employees, but how seldom do we nourish their self-esteem.
• Everybody likes a compliment.

The author also goes into the difference between compliments versus flattery.

Flattery seldom works. It is shallow, selfish, and insincere.
Compliments are sincere and unselfish.

Flattery is telling the other person exactly what he thinks of himself.
Think: Kissing a$$.

He also mentions how we fail to praise our children.
I thought this section was interesting since it seems so pushed in our faces to not tell our child “good job” or praise them so quickly. As to not have them only do things for compliments. I think that notion holds some value, but is also blown out of proportion. Every body likes a compliment (children included).

He closes the chapter with reminding us that all humans hunger for appreciation. Hurting doesn’t change people and it’s never called for.

He gives us a challenge. The next time we’re out, to show appreciation to whoever we’re interacting with. Whether it’s a salesperson, bank clerk, barista – anyone. We never know the kind of day they are having, so be nice. Say something nice.

Everyone likes a compliment.

– Angela