No More Perfect Marriages

This Chapter begins with a reminder that social media doesn’t portray the reality of how anything really works. She’s talked about families, bodies, and marriages are no exception. Marriage isn’t like the sitcoms or movies.

Marriage is hard.
Values are challenged.
Differences clash.
With kids, it becomes harder.

Marriage is merging families and traditions. You realize you might celebrate things differently, handle conflict differently. Each “right way” can be completely different. You’re blending two lives and sometimes bringing your extended family with you.

Expectations are pre-conceived resentments.
That sentence hit hard. When you’re married, you find yourself expecting so much more from your spouse because they are an adult. We expect to be serving each other, and if they’re not reciprocating it, why should I? Selfishness wins. Pride wins. Pride says you are more wrong than I am.

This can come so quickly, especially with kids. You can expect one another to do something for your children, with your children, and if they don’t, it’s like wtf? You can catch yourself keeping tabs of everything you feel like you do more than them. Pride wins again. Your spouse is not a mind reader. Ask for help when you need it.

The author talks about how to combat that with expecting differences and change your expectations. Conflict is normal. It’s a normal part of blending two lives. Learn to handle conflict and if you learn to handle it well, it can deepen intimacy.

Replace pride with humility. There are other ways to do things. You’re not always right. Humility helps bring resolve, own your own stuff no matter how big or small the contribution.

Replace fear with courage. Fear keeps us from being honest in marriage. Courage brings out confidence. Take a risk. We tell our kids to try new things (specifically food) but we won’t try them ourselves? I often find myself fearing conflict. Maybe it’s the middle-child, people pleaser in me, but it’s hard to bring up conflict because I don’t like it.

Replace insecurity with confidence. Insecurity can impose fears on our spouse and we need our spouse in a healthy way.

She talks a lot about grace in every chapter. Here, she reminds us to give grace space. Give grace to your spouse and allow them to be human. A lot of times you hear people say, “Oh I have 2 kids – 3 if you count my husband.” It’s supposed to be a joke but so demeaning. If you’re categorizing your husband as a child, how are we giving them grace?

Pay attention to your thought life. This made me remember a phrase/saying that goes something like: “Thoughts become words, words become actions, actions become habits, habits become character, character becomes destiny.” – Lao-Tze.

Expectations can get you in trouble and can damage relationships.
There are no perfect marriages because there are no perfect people. Marriage is two imperfect people. Learn to love in ways you never knew you could.

Thanks for reading!

Angela

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